Take it easy Dracula!

Whenever a pack of drunken guys hit the streets something is going to happen. There is just something about testosterone and booze that invariably results in a roving gang attempting to consume whatever available resources there might be, and also piss on few things.

On this particular night, shit was in full gear. The five of us, collectively, were a tribe of miscreants sprung up out of some chaotic and destructive force sent to battle dignity where ever it may be found. The horrible robotic shuffle on the dance floor? sure. Offer a cadre of descent women shots of 'Peach Magic' when it is really Gin, grenadine and the dirtiest whiskey in the entire bar? oh absolutely. But only the truly spectacular stuff happens once one pack of dudes clashes with another.

It all started when I decided I wanted to do something as a 'first time'. I wanted to show the world, and myself, that I could smash something with my head. I would equate it with a baby's first words. I had the idea that everyone would stop, pay attention, and then praise me. What actually happened was that I placed my fake devil horns (pointed fingers placed on my forehead) in the appropriate position and then tossed my cranium into the sideview mirror of a moving car coming at me in the alley we were walking down. Now I'm no doctor, I'm pretty sure I should have died. But ironically enough, just how paper somehow beats rock in rock-paper-scissors, skull beats metal in the game of Metal-Skull-Booze (and yes, booze totally shreds skull). The mirror went flying, I became elated, and the car slammed on the breaks. Before anyone of us could react to the madness that just occurred another entirely insane situation was manifested as a result of my hardened think dome. Five crazed men jumped out of the backseat of the small Honda that I just partially destroyed. They were running straight for me, screaming a language which all of the cogitation in the world could not attribute anything higher than mere lunacy. It turns out that they were Albanians, and they were fucking pissed. The quickly engulfed me with their rage and wild swinging arms. My friends were separated from me and I was in the eye of the storm armed only with a drunken lear and my no good SOB attitude.

To the passing observer, I was dead. Strangely indeed though, I never felt fear or panic. I was profoundly amused by the unusual language that seemed to rise up from a chipmunk that was being electrocuted within their voice boxes. What seemed to be their leader stood before me screaming maniacally. Judging by his periodic pauses, he was making some sort of point, which is to say that he was arriving upon a point. He reached his finale and then stood there looking at me, waiting for me to either backdown or go out swinging. I did neither. What I did was better than intimidation, it was even better than logic. I stared at him for about 3 seconds, then I took my index finger and poked him in his chest twice in quick succession while saying, "Take it easy Dracula!" I then crossed my arms, defenselessly, and started to laugh while continuing to stare this gentleman down.

I can only guess what goes through the mind of a drunk Albanian, just as I am sure he could only imagine what thoughts a cockeyed American in a back alley might ponder. One this is for certain, not a single human being alive expects anyone to tell them, 'Take it easy Dracula'.

The Albanians shared a common sister, whom just arrived on the scene. She explained to me that it was her car and told me that I was an asshole. Suddenly I really understood what had just occurred, I was the drunk asshole who just fucked with someone's car. To make things more despicable it was a kind young woman who didn't deserve any of it. I completely changed stance and profusely sputtered apologies. I promised that I would fix it. I explained that I was an engineer and I use tools to make it right again, all I needed was a chance. Such words from a drunk are worth less than promises of virginity from a seaport whore. But I did keep my word. The next morning I met her and fixed her mirror. We became friends of sorts. I then left her with her fixed mirror as I drove away wondering why my head hurt so badly.

Google, porn, charity and what the hell is going on

If you haven't used Google Trends, go do it now. Don't even finish reading this, go mess around there for a while and then come back and read this with actual interest. Google trends lets you search for searches that everyone has performed on google. For example, you could search Britney Spears and it plots a graph of search activity associated to her over time. Every time she does something nutty it pops up as a spike on the graph. Cool deal right? I've spent hours on Trends seeing how weird people, in general, really are.

First case, Try plotting Porn verses Charity. The amount of popularity that porn generates is far greater than people's interest in looking up charity. Charity in contrast to porn is a pathetic little flat line lingering near zero activity, whereas porn is literally getting more and more active all the time. There is a also a marked surge in activity near Christmas time for all of the people that are off on holiday with nothing else to do other than check out porn.

Next, search for Matthew Broderick. Matthew doesn't have a single person looking for him, oddly indeed considering that he is a mainstream celebrity. There was one event in the last 5 years that people actually looked for this guy.

Keep searching, it is great.

Unfortunate Second Place finishes of the last week.

Two things:

Obama and Hillary are hashin' it out to see who has the right stuff to take the grand stage in November and make outlandish promises to their fellow Americans which they cannot possible deliver upon. There is no clear winner so far, but early exit polls show that Hillary is a heinous witch. If Obama gets one state tonight he's going to be the likely winner, but no one will say that. As a matter of fact, Hillary will proceed (recede...) by trying to grab voters with ever crazier gimmicks until eventually she is cage fighting a pack of wild apes. At this point Brian Williams from NBC will come out and say that Obama actually was the winner much earlier and thanks for staying tuned in.

The Kentucky derby was last weekend. I heard on the radio that all of the horses racing were related to one another by a single horse dating back in the 60's. This means that the gene pool of the horses at the race that day was as shallow as the gene pool of all the Kentuckians watching the race. If you don't remember the Kentucky state quarter I'll remind you, it is a picture of a woman changing a baby's diaper while her father and husband (same person) punches her in the kidneys and all of the rest of their 8 children are running around grabbing at each other. What I'd like to mention though is this, the second place horse ended up being euthanised because it broke both of its front ankles while trying to catch the first place finisher. A harrowing second place finish indeed.

Now, I'm not suggesting that anyone put Hilary down. But I think Hillary ought to be transported away from the next primary in a horse ambulance, because she is finished.

Bed Commercials

I think some of these marketing guys have gone the wrong way with bed mattress commercials. These commercials always feature a couple peacefully sleeping, usually spooning. The idea is that this bed is so comfortable that you can't help but pass out. Thats only one aspect of it all though. Sex sells right? Why not have a commercial that begins with some couple laying around post sex and all sweaty. I'd buy a fucking mattress for that shit.

And heres a couple of observations that they include which I think are entirely fallacious.

No one smiles in their sleep, most of the time you sleep with your mouth wide open while fluid leaks from you. These commercials also ignore the repulsive sounds people typically make in their sleep. No one wants to admit that they snore, but unless you sleep face down at night you snore (and I know a girl who actually did snore while sleeping face down, this contradicts all basic laws of physics).

Don't get Out Foxed by some marketing asshole who is trying convince you that your don't look disgusting in your sleep, cause you do.