Take it easy Dracula!

Whenever a pack of drunken guys hit the streets something is going to happen. There is just something about testosterone and booze that invariably results in a roving gang attempting to consume whatever available resources there might be, and also piss on few things.

On this particular night, shit was in full gear. The five of us, collectively, were a tribe of miscreants sprung up out of some chaotic and destructive force sent to battle dignity where ever it may be found. The horrible robotic shuffle on the dance floor? sure. Offer a cadre of descent women shots of 'Peach Magic' when it is really Gin, grenadine and the dirtiest whiskey in the entire bar? oh absolutely. But only the truly spectacular stuff happens once one pack of dudes clashes with another.

It all started when I decided I wanted to do something as a 'first time'. I wanted to show the world, and myself, that I could smash something with my head. I would equate it with a baby's first words. I had the idea that everyone would stop, pay attention, and then praise me. What actually happened was that I placed my fake devil horns (pointed fingers placed on my forehead) in the appropriate position and then tossed my cranium into the sideview mirror of a moving car coming at me in the alley we were walking down. Now I'm no doctor, I'm pretty sure I should have died. But ironically enough, just how paper somehow beats rock in rock-paper-scissors, skull beats metal in the game of Metal-Skull-Booze (and yes, booze totally shreds skull). The mirror went flying, I became elated, and the car slammed on the breaks. Before anyone of us could react to the madness that just occurred another entirely insane situation was manifested as a result of my hardened think dome. Five crazed men jumped out of the backseat of the small Honda that I just partially destroyed. They were running straight for me, screaming a language which all of the cogitation in the world could not attribute anything higher than mere lunacy. It turns out that they were Albanians, and they were fucking pissed. The quickly engulfed me with their rage and wild swinging arms. My friends were separated from me and I was in the eye of the storm armed only with a drunken lear and my no good SOB attitude.

To the passing observer, I was dead. Strangely indeed though, I never felt fear or panic. I was profoundly amused by the unusual language that seemed to rise up from a chipmunk that was being electrocuted within their voice boxes. What seemed to be their leader stood before me screaming maniacally. Judging by his periodic pauses, he was making some sort of point, which is to say that he was arriving upon a point. He reached his finale and then stood there looking at me, waiting for me to either backdown or go out swinging. I did neither. What I did was better than intimidation, it was even better than logic. I stared at him for about 3 seconds, then I took my index finger and poked him in his chest twice in quick succession while saying, "Take it easy Dracula!" I then crossed my arms, defenselessly, and started to laugh while continuing to stare this gentleman down.

I can only guess what goes through the mind of a drunk Albanian, just as I am sure he could only imagine what thoughts a cockeyed American in a back alley might ponder. One this is for certain, not a single human being alive expects anyone to tell them, 'Take it easy Dracula'.

The Albanians shared a common sister, whom just arrived on the scene. She explained to me that it was her car and told me that I was an asshole. Suddenly I really understood what had just occurred, I was the drunk asshole who just fucked with someone's car. To make things more despicable it was a kind young woman who didn't deserve any of it. I completely changed stance and profusely sputtered apologies. I promised that I would fix it. I explained that I was an engineer and I use tools to make it right again, all I needed was a chance. Such words from a drunk are worth less than promises of virginity from a seaport whore. But I did keep my word. The next morning I met her and fixed her mirror. We became friends of sorts. I then left her with her fixed mirror as I drove away wondering why my head hurt so badly.